Wait

It's only been 3 weeks. But I still just figured out that I am a bad person. Because no matter how little the situation, when it's that easy, it's that hard.

And I fucked up.

No one still reads this, right?

This was my night before I got all whiny.

"I don't know where I belong

I don't know where I went wrong."

But I do know that I am a bad person.
I never wanted to be a bad person.

I got hurt so I hurt others and now I deserve this cold night with only my cigarettes and a text message from a new friend that will never come to me.

"you told me I was like the dead sea."
I really am. Wiki says "animals can't flourish" in the dead sea.

"I don't gamble, but if i did, I would bet on us"
I'm going to bask in this. Because I deserve this for treating others how I was treated. I was knocked the fuck down so I knocked the next three people who gave a shit down. So with this one, I will bask in it.
Bask and not wallow because I am... an awful fucking person.
But I really did think of this one differently. It's been almost a year since you left me. And I've treated everyone like dirt since then... Until now. So I really do deserve this. That's how life works...... Right?

Feelings.

2013 has been amazing. Seriously.
I haven't talked to my expired knight since 2012.
But also, I have made amazing new friends. Some of which I will hold dear to me for a very long time. A lifetime(,) even.
I was able to feel bummed and jealous of the new boy in my life and that made me so happy. That probably makes no sense, let me explain.
I was able to feel something toward anyone who isn't the expired knight of my once wonderful Castle.
I was able to care about something enough to miss it when it was gone.
I was able to be a real person again. Around other real people.
Such a great bad feeling.

Life is good.
Take a step back and look at what you have. Sometimes, that's all it takes.
Every other time, all it takes is good timing.
Timing is fucking everything.
I cannot stress that enough...

Love what is beautiful around you.
Appreciate it.
Soak it all up.
Don't let those who deserve you get the short end.
Beautiful people are right in front of you.
I mean that.
Realize it now before it's too late.
LOVE WHAT IS BEAUTIFUL AROUND YOU.

I have a crush.

It sounds cheesy and maybe it's just a distraction from everything but it's true.

Even crushing feels like I'm moving too fast. I need to find a seatbelt.

Oh, Ryan Adams.

"When they call your name
will you walk right up
with a smile on your face?
Will you cower in fear
in your favorite sweater?
with an old love letter?

i wish you would
i wish you would
come pick me up
take me out
fuck me up
steal my records
screw all my friends
they're all full of shit
with a smile on your face
and then do it again
i wish you would

when you're walking downtown
do you wish i was there?
do you wish it was me?
with the windows clear
and the mannequin's eyes
do they all look like mine?
you know you could

i wish you would
come pick me up
take me out
fuck me up
steal my records
screw all my friends
behind my back
with a smile on your face
and then do it again
i wish you would

i wish you'd make up my bed
so i could make up my mind
try it for sleeping instead
maybe you'll rest sometimes
i wish i could
i wish i could
i wish i could"

New friends can be the best friends.

And also... I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I think I like a boy.

Tonight was much needed.
So much laughter occurred that my stomach muscles literally ache.
I even found my leather jacket.

I'll leave you with two perfect song lyrics:

"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it." -tswizzle

"It's been good to have met you, I hope that you stay. I'm well on my way." -The Head and the Heart

I hope you're as happy as you pretend to be.
Winter break is over for IUPUI, I never heard from you. I finally feel free of all of this bullshit.
Goodbye.

2013

I hope you know what you're missing.

Your girlfriend will never be me. And that fucking scares you.
That's why you won't see me.
When you get older you'll see what you did.
I feel sorry for you... Deeply, deeply sorry.
You're missing out on the ONE real thing you've ever known.
Happy new year, idiot.
I have my friends and my family. You have substitutes for me... And that's all you'll ever have when you're without me.

Happy new year, castle, moat, and most of all... My knight. You really fucked up.