What is this life?

He was leaving the bar and he said, "something tells me we're going to end up together some day."

I responded honestly and said, "something tells me that too."

He kissed me on the cheek and walked away.

I walked over to him on his way out the door and before I could speak, he said to me, no, asked of me, "Come to me when you're not in love with him. Because I have gotten and will get my heart broken by so many people. But I know that there is one person who wouldn't ever break my heart and that is you. I could take care of you, Chelsea... For the rest of your life."

I promised him that I would never break his heart and I that could take care of him too. And I mean that. I really do.

That is why we can't be together. Because as much as I love him, as much has my heart hurts seeing him with anyone, I am in love with someone else so deeply that that person is all that I am.

He's just my best friend. And I have been down this road before and it fucked everything up... Not to mention her and I said he was off limits to both of us for the time being. How long is the time being. You can't help how you feel about people. It doesn't help that everyone around me is wondering why he and I aren't something more than friends. It's because we know we can't be anything more right now. It just isn't the time. It's too messy. Who knows if there will be a time for us. We both just believe that there is time somewhere. Even if we are the only ones who believe it, we do believe it.

Burying your feelings for someone is a hard thing to do. I'm not really sure how to explain it. It's definitely for the best interest of everyone around us. But it hurts. It hurts a lot. It's the weight of the world on your soul, on your whole being. It aches every second of every moment you think of them. You see pictures of that person and you want to cry or smile, you can't decide.

I've messed up so many things in the past. Both distant and recent. I know what I need to do to avoid that from happening again. It is just such a difficult thing to remember. He's been right in front of my face for 6 months. Why am I just now going through this? Because of the first night we kissed. Because you don't feel that often in life. So when it happens, it's a punch in the face. It's when you realize how deeply you care for someone who you haven't slept with. When you have amazing nights with people and no sex is involved. When other things feel so right. Like nothing else in the world matters at that moment. No one else matters at that moment. For a brief moment, you just forgot about every other thing on this earth.

I just wish I wasn't in love with him. And I can't even decide which person I'm speaking of anymore.