VII.

Today would have been 7 months.
And i know to most of you out there in the world, it doesn't seem like a very long time, but it is.. well.. would have been.

Up came out in theaters today.
We were supposed to see it.

I tried taking you to ice cream.
You had plans.

I just want back in your head.

I wish Jabok still lived here.
I wish kiefer lived at the Trees' house.

You need a good influence in your life. Because sometimes Music isn't enough. and a plan B has to step in.
You don't have a Plan B to keep you from ruining your life.

You are not just a stoner.
You are a fucking low life when you are around them.
Sitting at an apartment playing Tony Hawk isn't living your life.

FUCK YOU.
I hate everything about you lately, except you.

:D

Tonight was really nice.

Mikey, Kacie, and Clarissa brought Brandon and Alex. :D
If he wasn't following my blog i would say how excited i was.
hahah laaame.

Michelle and Joshie were there the whole time. :D

I am really thankful for Michelle and Jessica.
We've all been BFFs for like what--7ish years now.
I love it.

Thank you to everyone who showed up!

Especially Jordan, because i know he would have much rather been elsewhere.
Momma Trees makes me cry every time i am around her.
Breaking up is hard enough, but when you're close to the family it makes it all that more difficult.

Move on, baby. Because I can't move on.
Come back, baby. Because I can't come back.

You before me.
Always and forever.

The award for the most confusing person ever goes to..

You and your ridiculous way of going about things!
Congratulations. Bravo!

This is bullshit.
I think you're full of shit.
You wanted to break up. We broke up.
Now you don't want to hang out because it's weird that we still have feelings for each other.
...then why does this have to be hard and superfluous?
You are making things this way.
"Can I kiss you just once on your roof"
Yeah go ahead, but be sure that you still don't want to be together even though you want to do this.
Get over the idea of you and me.
It's done.
It's over.
For good.
Just like YOU wanted.
Just like YOU needed.
Just because YOU wanted YOUR fucking summer with YOUR friends--without me.
Just because YOU don't like the idea of being mature and slowing down drugs.
Just because YOU want plants over people in your life.
Just because YOU can't handle not being like your friends.
Music--forget it. That won't even be in your future if you keep this up, you said so yourself.
You're the one who makes the move.
It's not me that misses you so much i can't even be around you.
(even though that is the way we THOUGHT things would go).
Maybe we should be together if you can't be around me without wanting to touch lips.
You just want to talk to cute girls on fucking MYSPACE and not feel guilty.
And that is why i never trusted you with girls you've hooked up with behind my back.
You ignore any guilt you feel and just think about yourself.
You selfish fucking prick.
Okay, sorry, that was a little harsh.
but come on. What did you expect?
I need you to get the fuck over us so i can get the fuck on with my life.
You're the worst fucking thing that has ever entered my life.
And you'll be the hardest to keep out.

fuck fuck fuck.
cussing cussing cussing.

Go lead someone else on. and leave me at this dead end of a chapter in my life.
It's ending in the middle of a sentence.
Because I can't stand you anymore.
This is go--

You're a boomerang, you'll see.

You will return to me.

And I am going to smile and say "Fuck you."
Then at least we can be friends.


Tonight was the first time that I have ever actually said goodbye to someone.
Tonight was also the last.

!

Tonight I picked up Ian from his mom's house.
Then we sat and waited on Jordan for 40 minutes.

I am so glad he's home!

It is my bedtime.
Silver days have kicked it this week! :D

Senior Focus tomorrow!

Shut Up.

Fall Out Boy with Ian on Friday!
I am lame and super excited.
:D

If he can't get a ticket, plan on me killing myself...

When I am able to understand my past decisions, i will be able to make better ones in my future.

Sometimes i believe too strongly in people and things that i feel i can do anything to, act any way toward, and they'll always be there.It's like i feel like i can always go back. They won't leave like I did. They won't get tired of my moods or of my feelings.
They'll understand my tone.
What if they said "no."
What if i was really alone and i had to face reality by myself, without hiding behind anyone.
Vulnerable.
What if i become the back up plan?
I never mean for the things that i allow to happen, to happen.
Words just roll off my tongue like a thunderstorm.
in the summer.
You know, when you're outside sweating and sitting having a lack of conversation on the front porch?
Then you hear a roll in the distance.
The sky is dry at the moment, but not for long.
This conversation is dry at the moment, well not for long.
Wait.
The downpour will be coming sooner than you had hoped for... or later than you expected to wait for.
The rain is warm but it hits your skin hard.
You can't tell if you want the rain because you've sweat out every ounce of moisture your body has produced but on the other hand, you're not too fond of see-through clothes.
You've tried for so long, you're out of motivation.
But after you find yourself soaked, with a see-through shirt, you're unhappy again.
Rains harder.
Pretty soon your hair is dripping and stringy, and your make up is down your face.
Decide.
Is is better to be where you are soaked or silent and in a drought?
Dance.
Laugh.
Make that person share this moment with you.
Together.
Be fucking happy for once and stop focusing on the fact that your spent a whole 3 minutes getting ready.
Make it a moment of relief and happiness instead of a downpour of emotions and feelings you can't handle.
Stop thinking of everything that has happened, and think of what you could make of this friendship in years to come.
Believe in something more than just the typically us.

This is jumpy and probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me.
but i couldn't really care less.


Hey! Anyone remember when i looked like this?

A little bird once said:

"it would have been best if i would have never met him. I'd be happy with my best friend, who means more to me than anyone else on this earth ever will, because he ifly-s with me."

Today was the Schools 4 Schools walk.
9 miles to walk and clear my head and to not think about anything other than The Invisible Children.
It was relieving.

Now I'm at home and trying not to go back to being selfish and worrying about my own problems. There are much bigger ones that need to be fixed.

i love Max Bemis and all that comes with him..

Whoever the fuck.

reported shit so my myspace isn't working.
I will cut you. :]
and i will find out who you are.
Thanks and have a nice day!

Today started off wonderfully!
Even though it started at 4:00 am.

and ps.
i really mean it. i will find out who did it.

I don't have any friends that do anything other than do drugs.
MySpace is my life...
MySpace or Drugs. i choose MySpace.
so back the fuck off!

Cinco De Fuck You.

I was having an alright day.
and then Ian disappeared and he can not be found!
i think he went on a walk. but that was 3 hours ago..

There was vomit all over the school today.
I about died.

uhh BOO!

Maybe Later.

Maybe later i'll write something and i'll find someone who will want to read it.
Maybe one day, i'll make the right decision.
Maybe some one will save me.
Maybe one day i'll save you like i tried doing for 3 years, and this time i'll succeed.
Maybe one day i'll stop fucking up our lives and we can be happy.
Maybe sometime soon i can move away from here. and leave you and your little girl alone and happy.
Maybe later he'll start caring about me and i won't miss you so god damn much.
Maybe in time I'll jump back into my body so i stop being so fucking honest and typing everything out for the world to see.
Maybe tomorrow my mom will actually call a doctor to get me checked out.
Maybe i'll just fucking call myself like the 18 year old i am.
Maybe at the concert we'll look at eachother, smile, hug, and take on the night and fight off our demons together to the sound of patrick stump singing.
Maybe one day, we'll understand what was supposed to happen.



Remember that eventually you got me to jump.

All I do is put depressing quotes in here.

I guess that it's typical To cling to memories you'll never get back again And to sort through old photographs Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know.

Sometimes it's better to keep up a lie.
The truth hurts the ones you love.
but most of all, the ones that don't love you.

today.

i've cried over 7 times.
it sounds pathetic i know, but it all started when i couldn't wash my hair.
hahha wtf.

I'm going to see a doctor.
There are some things i can't handle anymore.

Kalen or I could have been it.
Now we are going to do lunch.

I feel like i'm going to throw up.

"True Romance is dead, i shot it in the chest, then in the head"
I'll be here trying not to bring it to life. how lame of me to write publicly.
I just don't want to ruin you.
or me.

on a different note:
Jordan is in Cinci.
No one is going to kiefer's house.
homesick.
sore throat.
tired.
work at 8 am.
goodnight.


ps. Where did i put my Monster on nights like this?