This is for real.

"This time I meant it!" lolol.

I listen to people all day long.. talking about marriage and families. I want that with him.
I want to spend every day waking up next to him.
It's not the love where you have the other person reminding you every day about it.
No "I love you"s.
No cute text.
No goodnight phone calls.
Nothing.
It's not mutual. I am in love with someone who isn't in love with me back.
But at least I feel something. At least I know this exists. That after being in love once before, you can be in love again and it can be better than the first time.
I'm older now.
I understand.
Loving him and hoping one day he'll see in me what he used to, is better than telling him and being rejected.
I don't mind this.
As much as this sucks.
As much as not being able to feel this every day and be able to share it sucks.
But I don't mind it.
Lately I've been able to feel his breath, his skin.
And i've enjoyed myself.
So much has happened and we still haven't kissed.
"Means too much." he says.
He's right. It does.
But what I would give to feel his perfect lips.
I know so many people will talk so much shit after reading this.
But I don't give a fuck about you.

I don't know what to do about all of this.
I'm happy that I have feeling again.
Going through the whole watching-myself-not-really-moving-on-my-own thing really brought me down.
But I am alive and well and happy.

Jessica being gone hasn't been great at all.
I need her!
I have Becky and Katie and Patrick.
But I don't have michelle either.
I can't believe I have such high spirits lately.

I'm done smoking after this pack.
I'm done tasting like a cigarette.
I don't even crave them. I smoke them just to smoke them.
Fuuucked up.

I actually mean something to myself for once.
However, It would be nice to mean something to someone for a change.
Well, mean something to someone more than a friend.
I don't know why I miss being in a relationship.
Jordan and I were together on and off for three years.
And when I wasn't with him, I was always with someone.
I never thought of me as someone who needs a relationship.
But I think I am.
Actually, I just need someone to be able to do things for.

"Between Me and you" by Every Avenue has been playing on repeat.
I love Every Avenue and all of the emotions it makes me feel as that whole album plays. Shh, Just Go With It for anyone interested.

I need to go to sleep.
My body is shutting down and it's only 12:45.
sheesh!

Goodnight everyone.
I hope you all are wonderful! :]